Perfect Situation

Update time...

So I didn't get the house manager position, go figure. I should have known since Tom Tom is handy man of the US. I guess I'll have to just pray I get the social spot, only one left that I want. Maybe I shouldn't even get a position in the house, just a thought.

Cat is at home while I fishsit, is that right??? Well that's what I'm doing anyway. I miss her like crazy and I couldn't be happier right now. I really love her, greatest feeling ever. Pledge Dance is this weekend and I already know she'll look beautiful. It should be awesome, can't wait. She said she might come back early since she misses me so much, this makes me feel unbelieveable. Never thought in my life anyone would just up and drive a long way to see me, I think she loves me...

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

School started up but really hasn't sunk in yet I guess. My fluids class got cancelled today and yesterday which was great. Haven't really done much yet but the schoolwork starts tomorrow. I want to excel this quarter, just so I know that I can. Oh and I also have the Hole as a single now since Burke moved out. I still don't understand how one of the dumbest mother fuckers in the house has the biggest room as a single, guess luck just struck me this time. There is so much room and most people will use it as a party room. I haven't really felt like partying as of late, most likely because I know Cat doesn't like it when I get shitfaced. I told myself I would never change for someone else but she makes me want to be perfect. I just hope that I can give her everything she wants. Just feel so happy right now, can't believe I have her.

So on a new note, my mom might get married!!! I know, it's pretty crazy. I couldn't be happier for her. The guys pretty good to her and really opened up more when I came over last time. He treats her good so that's really all I ask. I was really freaked out when my mom asked if I wanted to take his last name though. I couldn't ever thing of being called "Paul Richardson", way to wierd. I'm Paul "mother fuckin" Creasey and always will be. Most likely because I want to clean up the Creasey name since most of them are a bunch of fucks anyway. We'll see how that goes.

It's been a pretty good week. I feel good, classes are going well, and I can't wait to see my Cathleen again. Until next time I'll be here, as you all know me to well, your very own usual suspect.

Hands Down

Wow, all I can say. If things were going any better I'd definitely be dreaming. Cat and I are officially a couple as of last Sunday. Mostly the reason I haven't been blogging but finals week sucked a mean one too. Grades came out pretty poor but I passed everything. I really don't care at this point though, that's the only problem. Everything just feels so perfect.

I truly plan on applying myself next quarter. I want to know that I could do great if I really tried to. I don't like this school, as most of you know, but I can't help but love the environment. I like knowing I go to a school that requires you to work your ass of and be intelligent. I also love the people here, most excentric, but so is everyone else in their own way.

I also would like to be important to the house and run for house manager. Chez has really whipped me into shape and I think I would do an astounding job, just hope I can get some votes for a position in the house. I'm not sure if people have faith that I'll do a good job. Most likely because my grades are poor and I tend to drink in excess.....

That's it, I'm declaring next quarter as a quarter to prove myself. I want people to know I can be important, responsible, and reliable. Seems like I've been neglecting these traits as of late. Maybe due to pot, no definitely due to pot. I also really need to stop smoking cigarettes too. Fuck it, why dont I run for president while I'm at it. I simply need to start cleaning up my act. I want to be great for Cat, she deserves it, but I also want to change for my own good. I'm sick and tired of feeling so useless.

I know what you're all thinking and yes, I do think of Jessica from time to time but it's ok. I've found someone so perfect but as I said before, first loves always have a spot in your heart. Seems like it's unavoidable. She is with one of her ex's and I know shes confused. I just hope that she finds happiness somehow and when she does I hope she never loses it. Life is a bitch, wish she would just realize that fact. Things don't always go your way, its not about having someone perfect but seeing someone perfectly and loving them for it.

Well lets see, what else is there. Oh yea, my mom met a new guy and is crazy about him. They'll probably get married, that's nuts. Crazy thing is I really don't want a dad so I probably won't hang out with him that much. I've never needed one, don't see why I should start now. It just seems like she is pushing me into meeting him and talking to him. I'm not saying he's a bad guy but I just don't need a father figure in my life, nor do I need one pushed on me. Maybe I'm just being a dick but it's how I feel.

Well that's about all I have to offer. Hope u enjoy this mundane life of mine, leave comments, tell me what's up if that's all you have to say. Until next time I'll be here, happier than I've ever been, holding on to something so perfect, as always, the usual suspect.

Array freshman, Array

Ok, so I'm back. For reasons this time. So I did about ummm, oh yea, nothing today. I got to see Cat and that was the highlight of my whole day, but to be honest every moment I spend with her is the best time of my day. Hokay, so, I'm not going to pledge dance with Cat, not sure if I wanna go at all now. I'll most likely go with Jos which is cool but not where I wanna be. I know I'll just have a miserable time without her as my date but what can ya do. I just don't want her to feel stressed at all.

So I thought about Jessica today and wondered where she was or what she was doing. It kinda makes me sad that she is actually doing fine without me. It's not that I wanted her whole world to fall apart without me there but I wanted her to miss me at least. Sometimes I wonder if she still loves me cus I know I still feel love for her.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

This quote makes me feel so good. Probably my favorite of all time now. I know that we weren't meant to be now and it hurts but I would not give up any memory of her for anything. Your first love will always have a place in your heart and I never realized that till now. If you've never been in love then you wouldn't understand. I always like people to leave different life comments on my blog so I want to know what you think about your first love now that it's over, if you feel the same way I do or if you think it was all bullshit. I always ask myself if I'm different or wierd cus that's honestly how I feel and when I hear that other people have gone through some of the same shit I have, it puts me at ease. Kinda like it lets me know I'm normal, a regular guy if you will. But I know now I'm far from normal.

Sometimes my inhibitions take over in my life, like I can't control what direction I'm going in. It's like everything that has happened was suppose to happen. It makes me who I am and who I'll be. I just hope I turn out to be who I want to be:

What I want to be

1. A great father
2. An even better husband
3. A hard worker
4. Completely Selfless (at the right time)
5. Loved
6. Important
7. Respected
8. (most of all) Willful

Little list like this help. It really gets shit off your chest in a hurry because sometimes things just come to you that you didn't even know you thought of before.

I can't stop listening to Death Cab for Cutie. They are slowly becoming my favorite band. Every time I listen to them I feel settled, enough to just sit back and be content. Don't feel that way much anymore.

Well this blog was kinda off the wall but I'm done for the night. If all you readers out there have already gone to bed then I hope that all your dreams come true in the following days, you deserve it. But you know I'll be here, confused, wondering what is to come next, your own lovely, usual suspect.

Amor est vitae essentia

Been quite some time since I've blogged, but that's normally a good thing. I've felt great this past couple of weeks. It's about time I've felt like this. Jessica and I are through. I felt horrible when we broke it off but if you knew the whole story (not gonna go into that) then you would know why it's a good thing, and her choice at that. I found out a couple days ago that she is going to move to Texas as well. Can't really tell you how I feel about this yet. I'm going to miss her with all my heart because we did have a great thing through all the bad times. She wants to go to Texas State and get an appartment, just kinda start over. Honestly not a bad idea, nothing is left for her in this town. I imagine we'll still keep in touch every now and then but you just never know. I feel like we're worlds apart already. Anyway...

Getting back to it, never felt better, ok so I meet an amazing girl. Never felt this way about someone so fast and to tell you the truth it's kinda scary for both of us. I think she's falling for me too but no way to be completely positive on that one, just hope. Most people already know who it is, and Cat if you're reading this then you already know how I feel. I'm just wishin for the best right now and gonna see where it heads, not jump into anything to quickly. We went to dinner and a movie not to long ago and it was hands down the best date I've ever been on. It had been a while since I had been on an actual date too. I just wish this feeling could last forever. That's all I can really say right now without making some assumptions.

Now, school, yea...

Believe it or not I'm not doin so bad this quarter. Things have really started looking up and I feel like I'm doing great, understanding the material and everything!! I know it's crazy, cus I'm an idiot...lol. Well sometimes you just have to put the work in I guess. I hope I stay on this track, feels good.

On a final note, I just wanna say thank you to all the readers for being patient. I don't normally blog when I feel this good and it's been about a month. I wish the best to you in all your endeavors, however little they may be. I wish everyone could feel the way I do right now, content, happy, and in love...

Summer Skin

Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the seasons change was a conduit
And we left our love in our summer skin

Until next time you can find me where I never thought I'd be again, in that state of joy. Weekend comin up and I can't wait to see you. As always, the usual suspect.

Switching Channels

I haven't blogged in quite some time now. Good reasons. I've felt so lost over these past couple of weeks, like I'm not suppose to be here. I'm doing so poorly in school and I just don't understand anything anymore. Jessica seems more distant than ever. I can't seem to stop feeling down. I hate it. I wish so badly that I could leave this place. I seriously doubt anyone would miss me that much. I think the scariest part is that it's true and I know it. Now I know I have a lot of friends here at Rose and a few more from high school but I'm not sure if I care anymore, about anything. I just feel like shutting down. I've been reading inspirational quotes and different books that should show me some kind of reason for striving but nothing is working. I'm starting to wonder if life is just one big fucking joke, like a really bad reality show that should have never made it past its pilot episode and I'm the guy that just doesn't want to be on camera anymore.

I don't really have anything good to blog about and I hate that. I try not to get on here and bitch but when life is just shitting on you there really isn't much else to do. Here is my plea, if I'm suppose to be with Jessica then something has to happen, a sign if you will (corny). I really don't know what I should do, at all. She wants to wait until she graduates to start dating again. I actually found out the real reason for this delay is that she is scared of getting hurt, again, by me. I cried so hard when I found out, I feel like I'm still crying.

Can't let go

I hold on so tight, even your breath falls short
These thoughts in my head, I simply can't sort
The sound of you laugh, sweet touch of your kiss
Don't stop these moments I always will miss
I think you should go

The way that I feel, the way you do too
I just won't contain this love that's not new
Obsessed wtih my hair, you lull me to sleep
My heart skips a beat, from my chest it will leap
Never will I go

The pain you've been through, tears that you've shed
I'll always rememver, inside I feel dead
You bring me to life, whipe off my face
Eternally treasure the way that you taste
I can't let go
Of you

To all of you out there, I'm sorry that I've been so messed up lately. I know I've been acting very strange. I know someday I'll straighten my life out, somehow. I might not know when, where, or how but I can promise you all this. I will be here, miserable, as always, the usual suspect.

Avoid suspicion, manipulate your friends, and eliminate your enemies.

The games we play day to day, aren't they great. Well it's Christmas Eve, almost Christmas Day. Most likely will be by the time I finish this blog. I'm at the ATO house again over break with nowhere to go. It doesn't bother me but it would be nice to have someone here to spend it with. Get's pretty lonely here, I played ping pong by myself for about an hour tonight, tryin to work on my skills...lol.

I went to church today with my mom, it was really wierd. Probably because it has been a long time since I've attended one. After watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose I found myself asking if I was on the right path or not. Doesn't really feel like it, maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere. I have no clue where it might have been but always makes me wonder if this is where I was meant to be. There's always those shoulda, woulda, couldas...

As much as I hate Rose I do love being here. I've got to know more people than I ever thought possible, unlike high school. Oh, guess I've never really talked about high school in my blog. Well long story short, I guess I'd call myself a blip in high school. You know, one of those people that everyone knows but no one really pays that much attention to. Now in college everyone knows who I am and they all seem to be really good friends with me. It's so much better because it's like completely starting over.

So I'm done blogging for tonight. Until next time you can find me where the sun don't shine. As always, the usual suspect.

This time around

Another night of waiting
Anticipating the feel of your touch
I love you so much
Sitting here like I've never left
Knowing there's nothing out there
This foggy lonesome night somewhere
Until the morrow comes
The sun breaks though the glass
Urge this time to pass
And I'll be here till then
On this fucked up Christmas Eve
Goodnight this time for good
I do believe
It's on to somewhere else
at least for me

Revenge is a dish best served cold

"Do you find me sadistic? You know, I bet I could fry an egg on your head right now, if I wanted to. You know, Kiddo, I'd like to believe that you're aware enough even now to know that there's nothing sadistic in my actions. Well, maybe towards those other... jokers, but not you. No Kiddo, at this moment, this is me at my most masochistic."

So break is finally upon us, feelin pretty good. Not to much to talk about but I thought I'd burn some time while I'm at work. Watched some Kill Bill if you couldn't tell, great movie. So pretty much all the shit I really feel like talking about right now I'm not gonna talk about. i.e. relationship problems, alcoholism, and most of all homosexuality. Those are the subjects but don't worry about the last one, I'm not gay. Just found out not to long ago that one of my close friends is though, never expected it either.

I find myself being tired all the time anymore, like I don't even really sleep when I go to bed nowadays. I've been having some fucked up nightmares and I don't know why. I don't think it's anything to worry about, probably just stress setting in. Sometimes I just feel like screaming for no reason just to I can feel less pissed off at the world.

Why is it that I feel like I should do what everyone else tells me to? I have noticed lately that I have a real hard time deciding for myself. Just goin with the flow, not questioning anything. Not really the best thing to do.

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangcock to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Those are lyrics by Death Cab for Cutie. Just started listening to them and they fuckin rock. Never heard such a mellow band before, but I love the style of music. I've been listening to a lot of new shit, open up my vast knowledge of artists. I really wish I could start a band but I don't play an insrument, all I would do is sing...

I do need to find something new to occupy my time. Just seems like nothing interests me enough. Oh well, I'll find something, and I'm open to suggestions. Well that's about it, till next time, this is me as always, the usual suspect.